Ah Pu Neh Neh

Its So Hard To Say I'm Sorry

This is almost like a brand new article. I was extremely honest with my opinions in the first edition, but was worried people might get the wrong idea. So I came out with the second edition. Uber templar Davienne then hinted that she was concerned I might become the victim of a money-making plot, so here goes Ah Pu Neh Neh third edition.

They are called ah pu neh neh (or apnn) by people on the streets since donkey years ago. I am also going to call them apnn because everybody calls them apnn. Hate to end up like those poor bloggers who kena defamatory suits because they were honest. Just happened that those people whom they blogged about got the money to engage a lawyer to sue them. After the lawsuits, these people will probably end up with more money to sue other bloggers. What a vicious cycle!

To give a very balanced view, let me clarify that I do like our native apnn. I got lots of apnn friends and we play football together in a league. Conversely, I have my reservations when it concerns "apnn imports". I have personal bad experiences with them, and I would like to describe these incidents in my blog to share with my friends. If you are not my friends, and you think you might be peeved with my stories, please get lost! However, if you are going to enjoy the contents of my true stories, do read on and enjoy!

Typically, I tend to get crashed in by apnn when I am taking the MRT. Might be my handsome looks, but whether men or women, young or old, they just like to stand very close to me. In fact, I would be able to feel the hair on their skin, the breath from their nose, and the magic oil (no idea what those are called) many of them apply. Personally, I prefer the smell of the Axe brand oil.

Have you ever heard apnn talk on the phone? I got on the MRT at City Hall station and there were 2 male apnn standing next to me. When the train reached Raffles Place station, one of the apnn's phone rang. From the moment he picked up his phone, all he said was "okay" while swivelling his head like he was on drugs. He probably said "okay" at average intervals of 10 seconds, so mathematically, on the 23 minute ride from Raffles Place station to Jurong East station, he would have said 138 times of "okay" and swivelled his head 138 times. Out of the 140 words he said, 138 of them were the same words. In case you did not know, the other 2 words were "hello" and "bye". Anyway, he swivelled his head only 139 times because he was trying to catch his balance once when he said "okay", and absent-mindedly forgot to shake it.

Apnn probably are not used to the humidity. They tend to end up in the MRT with 2 different shades and 4 spots on their shirts. It could be fashion, but 2 big round patches at the chest and back, plus 2 smaller patches of circles at the arm-pits do not appeal the least to me. Many times, these apnn stretched their hairy arms over my head to grab the pole, or the hand-hold in the train. Although I am taller than them in most cases, but I cannot stand the sight of their wet arm-pits in my face. Its basic courtesy not to do things like that. The shorter species of the human race would probably have drowned in the sea of sorrows!

Now, to the very incident that spurred me to write this article. Just a couple of days ago, I was rudely awakened by some stupid apnn in the MRT train. I was very fortunate to have found a seat on the train that day - it was 13th September 2005. A seat basically meant that I could nap my way home from Bugis station. The train became very crammed as I sat on the seat dozing on and off. On one of the stations that was not underground, the apnn stepped into the train. I was asleep with my legs nicely crossed and tucked. All of a sudden, I felt a shoe on my lap! This stupid fat apnn tried to cross over almost my entire body in the midst of the crowd because he found an available hand-hold. There was absolutely no standing space there even though the hand-hold was available but the stupid apnn persisted. After he had 1 of his fat legs across, he lost his balance and the trailing leg stepped onto my lap, close to my precious. I was absolutely shocked, and even more disgusted when I saw that apnn. I stared fiercely at him, hoping for at least a word of apology, but he acted blur and looked away. A few minutes passed, and he was still pretending to be enjoying the scenery outside. I was utterly pissed, so I grabbed out my Nokia mobile phone, set it to silent mode and aimed it at the apnn!

"Click click!!" The sound from my handphone resonated across the carriage. At this moment, I realised that Nokia phone's silent mode applies only to the ring tone and message beeps, not to the camera functions. Despite the commotion, the apnn still tried to act blur. I continued to monitor him until he finally alighted at Clementi station. Here he is, the Clementi apnn who refused to apologise!

Meaning of Joke

From the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, the word "joke" means:

Main Entry: ¹joke
Pronunciation: 'jOk
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin jocus; perhaps akin to Old High German gehan to say, Sanskrit yAcati he asks
1 a : something said or done to provoke laughter; especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist b (1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something (2) : an instance of jesting : KIDDING joke> c : PRACTICAL JOKE d : LAUGHINGSTOCK
2 : something not to be taken seriously : a trifling matter joke -- Harold Callender> -- often used in negative construction joke to be lost in the desert>

The joke below is meant to provoke laughter and is something not to be taken seriously. If you cannot take jokes, please leave my Blog immediately. Otherwise, by reading on, you are accepting the paras below as humourous and senseless banter.


The Joke Proper

A policeman went to the hairdresser one day to have his hair cut. After he got his 2 by 4 style done, he was stopped from paying by the hairdresser.

"This week is Charity Week. I am doing this for free," remarked the hairdresser. The policeman was touched and he came back the next day with a box of donuts for the hairdresser.

On the same day the policeman presented the hairdresser with the donuts, a politician came to the same hairdresser for a hair cut. The hairdresser refused payment after completing the job, citing Charity Week as the reason. The politician was pleasantly surprised and he came back the next day with matching white shirt and skirt as gifts for the hairdresser.

After the politician left, an apnn visited the hairdresser for hair rebonding. Its a tough job with the pubic curls and such, but she finished it and similary refused payment because it is still Charity Week. The apnn was very pleased. He thanked the hairdresser and left in a hurry.

The next day, the hairdresser came to work as usual. Its the last day of Charity Week. When she arrived at her salon, she found 20 apnn waiting outside her salon .....

Mid Autumn Festival

Seafood

Today is the aftermath of Kerrendor and Minou's wedding affair. Its Saturday and we were getting ready for some fever. We were going to gate-crash Elyxia's colleague's chalet at Pasir Ris. He kinda promised to give us the living room and dining area, but we ended up with only a small room with a toilet attached. Its roughly the size of a small HDB bedroom, and the toilet is half the size of the room.

Suvena and I hitched a ride in Hevun's black sports car to the chalet. We were the early birds, and had only the comfort of the small room with the toilet. It was 6pm when we arrived, and past 7pm when everybody else (with the exceptions of Flowerpot and Wooo) stepped into the small room with the toilet. Twelve full-bodied adults starved and crammed in a small room with a toilet is a bad proposition, so we took a stroll to Fishermen's Village to have out seafood dinner. Our scouts lead the way in the pitched dark park, and we were fortunate to have reached our destination, having encountered a group of kids chanting and screaming around candles arranged like a pentagon.

We were divided into 2 groups of 6. My group, made up of Silvermist, Sheylara, Elyxia, Khalrik, Suvena and me, had sambal squids, sambal vegetables, sambal barbequed sting-ray, black pepper crab and mee goreng. The other group consisting of Talin and wife, Hevun, Dagonnex, Davienne, Kerrendor and Minou had more dishes, but my group had the quality ones. Dinner was great!


Big Red Lantern High High Hang

The natural thing to do after dinner was to stroll back to the chalet to play with lanterns. At the chalet, we fixed up our lanterns for the photo-shooting and lantern fighting. I had an Ultraman retractable lantern that kicked ass in the lantern fights and looked absolutely glamarous in the photos. It was weird, hard as we tried, none of the lanterns caught fire. They always do in my childhood days ....

Very soon, it was supper time. We laid out our S$500 plus worth of mooncakes on the dining table. The varieties were plenty: durian, chocolate and truffles, crispy yam, cognac, green tea etc etc. This whole hour was so exciting and a complete blank to me. I remembered mooncake being stuffed into my mouth, and waking up standing behind a black sofa while holding a lantern in my right hand.

Since Talin owed everybody big time, so he got his wife Joey to wash the utensils. After much nudging from us, he finally proceeded to the sink and pretended to wash the dishes. While the washing was being done, Silvermist was being out-classed by Hevun in Dead or Alive 3; Dagonnex was kicking everybody's butts in Dead or Alive 2. Soon they realised that the Xbox did not belong to Talin, and they all scampered into the little room with the toilet. Then suddenly, Flowerpot and Wooo arrived!


Bang Bang Ah

Eating a high cholesterol seafood dinner, followed by sinful mooncakes made everybody feel guilty about themselves. I remembered how my grandmother used to clean oily stains off the stove using table-cloths dabbed in alcohol. Being the genius I am, I suggested drinking some alcohol to cleanse our intestines. Intellectuals connect very well with each other, and soon we were doing the advance form of colon cleansing. We had various cleansing solutions with us, like Cordon Bleu, Chivas Regal, Raspberry Vodka, Johnny Walker Black Label etc, remedies for all kinds of conditions!

Davienne suggested a very complex game where everybody had to throw cards and call each other names. Joey was perplexed because everybody kept calling her Zimbabwe. So we changed the game a little, but still Joey was being targeted by everybody. Guess Francis was not such a good name afterall.

We were waiting for our Indian Chief to suggest something less complex, but she did not get the hint and continued staring at the gibberish on the table. So we tried to throw her a bigger hint by playing "Indian Poker", but she was still looking at the gibberish. In fact, she began emulating and scribbling the same kind of gibberish onto pieces of paper. She was sitting between 2 doors facing the South .... I guess that could be the reason!


Exorcism

Its best to act blur when we suspect encounters with the One Kind. Most of the gang carried on with the Indian Poker, while Silvermist and I sat in a corner observing the surroundings and happenings. Soon, we had a rough idea, and started our rituals. There was smoke and the windows behind us opened and closed. Offerings of Cordon Bleu and Green Tea Raspberry Vodka can be found strategically placed along the window grooves. At a certain point in time, Minou even managed to snap a figure in black snarling at her through the window.

It was quite a while before Silvermist and I finished our rituals. We joined the circle on the floor, and miraculously, Indian Chief moved and sat beside Silvermist. I was expecting some gibberish, but all seemed fine. She seemed to be suffering from the after-effects of the gibberish stuff as her reactions were retarded. She went "Ah" when she was "Banged"!!

Flowerpot had a feeling that it could be remnants from the One Kind. Everytime she was "Banged", she went "Wooooooooo". I suspect it could be some tribal ritual. While Indian Chief seemed to be recovering, Silvermist and I started to feel a little weird. Both of us began to "Bang" and "Ah" at the most inappropriate of times. No!!!! One Kind is now targeting Silvermist and me!!

At this point in time, Suvena revealed the most potent weapon we had. She slowly uncovered the pot of "Holy Water" hidden behind the television console. In between badly timed "Bangs" and "Ahs", Silvermist and I scrambled to consume the water to exorcise the One Kind. This seemed to go on forever ....

"Wah! Keep your noise level down! My colleague messaged me until handphone no battery liao!" exclaimed Elyxia.

Suddenly, everything began clear again. I could see Davienne and Sheylara on my right. Suvena and Joey were sitting on my left. Talin, Flowerpot and Dagonnex were intensely peering from opposite of me. I turned and realised Silvermist was next to Sheylara. The pot was empty now .... our work is done. I hoped Elyxia's colleagues understand what Silvermist and I were doing here, we had expelled One Kind!


Aftermath

All exhausted and giddy from over-cleansing and the exorcism, we began to leave in packs. I tried to leave first (so that I don't have to do the cleaning up), but Suvena was busy debating the "Big Three Circles" and "Big Four Happiness" with Dagonnex, Davienne and Hevun. We ended up leaving last, but we still didn't clean up the room.

Suvena, Dagonnex, Davienne and Hevun were still engrossed in their discussions over the possible formations, the latest being the "13th Ones". Amidst the conversations, we ended up at my home. Not satisfied with mere dialogue, the 4 of them sat around a table and began proposing and countering each others' strategies and tactics.

Being a peace loving person, I chose to distance myself away from these acts of violence and hid myself in another room with a toilet. It was not long before I heard Davienne say,"I want to disturb Morte!"

A dog will jump over the wall if cornered, and buddha jump over the wall is an excellent dish. I sprung to my feet and with a whisper of my voice, magically bode Davienne farewell. Dagonnex and hevun magically left through the door and Suvena appeared lying next to me snoring. Although I did not even touch any maths, the aftermath of the exorcism also seemed like a dream ....

Meow Meow

Lord of the Ring

One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all,
and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where shadows lie

Nineth of September 2005 is a special day. Siemens invited me to attend a brass concert at the Esplanade. I could not go because its Kerrendor's and Minou's big day at the SAFRA Resort Bungalows! It was a Friday, and I finished work at 5:30pm, played MineSweeper with Silvermist until 6pm. Then I made my way to Raffles Hospital for him to pick me up. The day was quiet and uneventful until Silvermist arrived at 6:50pm, and we bantered all the way to the resort.

The cash card machine at SAFRA was in excellent working condition. It recognised my SAFRA card as expired (expiry is in year 2010) and took Silvermist at least half a dozen attempts before it recognised his cash card as a cash card. We got a nice spot under a tree and found our way to the party - how we wished it was not night yet.

Kerrendor and Minou were officially man and wife when we arrived. We lost no time to congratulate them and help ourselves to the food. When dinner was done, it was time to spring the highlight of the night. Kerrendor and Minou were ushered to the television set where 2 chairs were comfortably arranged for them. The members of "Studygroup" then presented to the newly-weds the mystery gift - it was a Metal Chest! In case you didn't know, Sheylara is the Indian Chief of Studygroup!

Before we allowed the newly-weds to open the gift, we made them watch a video footage specially produced for them, involving members of Studygroup. The video had footages of everybody well-wishing the happy couple, plus a little production depicting the happy future of the beautiful couple. The end of the production had the funny little "NGs" and lots of "Sheylara" in the credits. It ended with a boom: www.sheylara.com

Tears were already swelling in Minous's eyes but she had her mascara to worry about so she swallowed the lump of saliva stuck in her throat and pushed back her droplets of morning dew. To diffuse the emotional moment, Kerrendor tried to open the Metal Chest without disarming first. Boom! Apparently someone was having problems unlocking the toilet door ....


The 9 Rings

There were 9 mythical gifts wrapped within the Metal Chest. One by one the couple unwrapped the gifts. Naturally, we gave them a pretty card with our greetings within. Kerrendor and Minou beamed when reading the card. This was gift number 1.

They were then wowed by the second gift, a calendar with screenshots of Studygroup in each month, and the newly-weds were naturally featured in the month of September. The other highlight of the calendar was of course the month of February.

The next surprise unwrapped was a CD in the shape of a flower. No prizes for guessing correctly - its the VCD of the footage the couple just watched. Two thumbs up - gift number 3!

We deliberated long and hard for the best gifts, so we were not the least surprised when the couple's eyes litted upon finding a box of "Body Bingo" amongst the lootz. Yummy, present number 4!

The couple was now hoping for more sexxor toys. They could not hide their disappointment when they found their next 2 presents were a pair of "Meow Meow" wrist rests and a pair of coasters with their names neatly attached. When they realised 24 eyes were glaring at them with suspicion, Minou promptly went, "Wah, so sweet!!" Ahem, thats more like it - gifts number 5 and 6.

Twenty-four eyes were actually 12 pairs of eyes. Like the previous 2 gifts, the next gift comes in a pair too. Right-click, examine .... a pair of lover mugs, with Kerrendor and Minou pictured on each. The wide smile on Kerrendor's face could not hide his satisfaction with this present. Gift number 7 has been discovered! Its a serverwide first!

On a happy occasion like this, pairs are the flavour of the day. The couple unwrapped a pair of Korean idols symbolising eternal love. Suvena flown them in specially for Kerrendor and Minou. Gift number 8!

Now, for the biggest surprise! I think gift number 9 is the Metal Chest itself. Frankly, I could not remember quite so clearly now, after so many days. So lets assume Metal Chest is gift number 9, we presented 9 gifts to Kerrendor and Minou, an appropriate number of gifts for the 9th of September!

After the gifts presentation ceremony was over, we wasted the night away induldging in senseless conversations over pints and pints of freshly brewed beer from Brewerkz. The celebrations will continue tomorrow, but at the moment, I had better drink a little quicker before Silvermist finishes up the beer!

Suddenly everything became clear. The 9th gift was a pewter photo frame coupled with a pewter wedding certificate holder. It was in fact the 1 box made to hold them all. Minou has on the fourth finger of her left hand the 1 ring made to rule them all (Kerrendor).


Return of the King

To complete this Trilogy, and to keep my head on my shoulder, I had to show you December. Sheylara was complaining I did not talk enough about her. Not a person to tolerate mediocrisy, I took it a step further - Sheylara in more flesh than cloth!

Oh, in case I forgot, the gifts were presented in no order of importance, price or even alphabetical order. I wrote them down in the order I recalled while writing!

Most importantly, I would like to wish Kerrendor and Minou Eternal Bliss!