Gossip can harm your soul

Gossip can harm your soul
by Dr Pam Spurr

Psychologist Dr Pam Spurr explains why gossip is not always harmless, how to avoid being drawn into a group of gossipers, and what to do if you're a victim
It's human nature to wonder what's going on in other people's lives. We speculate and surmise about them, wonder about their personal life and work success or failure, and so on. We then discuss our thoughts about them, and the titbits of knowledge we might have about their lives, with other people. Gossip is in essence discussing someone else's business when they aren't present.

Harmless gossip
Gossip has many functions for the people doing it. There are both harmless and harmful types of gossip. One of the primary functions is social inclusion and bonding that's essentially harmless. This type of gossip is less about the person being gossiped about and more about the people gossiping. They use gossip to bond together into a mini-social group. This type of gossip is about mutual sharing of information and is a form of relating to others. By gossiping with them you show a certain level of trust and the development of a social connection.

The gossip tends to take the form of little bits of information being shared, for example: 'Did you know Sarah's dyed her hair red?' The information's usually something that might become common knowledge or is something that the person wouldn't object to becoming 'public'.

Harmful gossip
However gossip spreads faster than wildfire and can cross over into harmful territory even when not intended that way. And it can be of the intentionally malicious type. This form of gossip is meant to harm the person who's being gossiped about. The harm intended can be at a personal level or about their work and reputation.

Malicious gossip excludes the person being gossiped about from the group in a negative way. It becomes a form of bullying. The person becomes an outsider. Some people get a source of malicious satisfaction from this type of gossip if they have a manipulative-type personality. Others use unpleasant or nasty gossip to enhance their own social value and make them seem like the dominant member of a group - one that's 'in the know'.

The harm done by gossip
Apart from celebrities who want to be talked about, there's a lot of harm that can be done by gossip. Even when no harm's intended, the problem with gossip is what starts as 'harmless' can sometimes develop into the harmful type. Like 'Chinese whispers' the gossip can alter in form as it moves outward from the initial gossips. By the time it's moved to another group of people it might've morphed into something negative and hurtful.

Also it may simply be private information the person wants to keep secret. Let's go back to 'Sarah' with the newly-dyed red hair. Discussing her hair colour is one thing but saying, 'Did you know Sarah's boyfriend cheated on her?' is another. It discloses something that 'Sarah' probably wants to keep private.

Gossip is also harmful because untruths and half-truths are told as if true. It doesn't give the person a choice about whether or not they want to be discussed, it can spin out of control, and can create an atmosphere of cliques particularly in the office, and this facilitates bullying.

How to avoid gossip
Set your boundaries early when someone starts gossiping. Say something clear like, 'I don't really want to get involved in someone else's business' and suggest an alternative topic of conversation.

Use a clear and confident tone of voice so the 'gossip' understands you don't want to be drawn in. This is a perfect example where being assertive works well.

If in the middle of a conversation someone starts gossiping simply refuse to be drawn into it.

If you hear others around you gossiping you don't have to give credence to their gossip by getting involved.

If you hear gossip that's untrue, set the record straight. Tell the gossips you know that what they're saying is untrue. Again done with a confident and clear tone you get your message across in the best possible way.

Check yourself - it's easy to let a conversation slip into the realms of gossip. Put yourself in the person's shoes that you're talking about - how would you feel if you were she? Would you be happy to be discussed like this? Is it something you'd say to their face? That's always a good mark of where to draw the line.
What to do if you're the victim of gossip

Depending on the nature of the gossip sometimes the best policy is 'the least said the soonest mended'. Only you can judge if some gossip about you, your life, work or relationships is worth facing head-on. If appropriate then 'letting it go' and moving on could be the best solution all round. It shows that you're not prepared to make a mountain out of a molehill, not interested in general gossip and in getting involved in it, and have enough self-confidence that you don't mind friendly, non-malicious gossip.

Deciding whether or not a gossip/group of gossips are worth facing depends on a number of factors. Factors like whether or not the gossip was malicious, whether it's completely unfounded, whether it's 'self-contained', and most importantly whether or not it's hurt, upset or angered you. Consider these factors before taking action. Consideration will help you judge accurately and then plan action if necessary.

If you decide to take action then planning is crucial for your success and well-being. Get your facts straight on the gossip you've been told about. Write these down if it's helpful. For example, you might want to make notes on who told you, when they told you, and what they told you about the gossip involving you. Although you may feel deeply hurt, when confronting the gossips it's important to be calm.

Now you can plan what you want to say about it. Practise what you plan to say, as rehearsing gives you the confidence to tackle the gossips in the most beneficial way.
In the most serious cases of work gossip you should go to your manager or human-resources department to discuss it rather than tackling it on your own. Again, this is a personal decision and only you can decide whether the gossip is of such a serious nature that it should be handled by management.

Whichever way you decide to tackle it, you must never forget that you have every right not to be gossiped about and certainly not in a malicious or harmful way. Every person should be treated with respect both at work and within their peer group.